The past 6 months...

Wow, a lot has happened in the last 6 months, but I knew it would happen. School was about to start again and life is hectic as a teacher, at least for me anyway. I was so proud of myself because I had such a great system going that life was smooth... At least as smooth as I could make it be. Then October came... I started having a lot to do with becoming a mom with classes, baby showers, and whatever else it was that kept me busy from mid-October to mid-November... It made life very stressful because the organization system I had set up at the beginning of the school year fell apart which I tried so hard to not lose all that I had done. Josh was left to moving from our apartment to the new place in November because I had so much to do with school. It's exhausting and stressful working as much as I did knowing nothing I did would be perfect, let alone good enough in my own eyes. Quite frankly, when that happens I become one giant stress ball. I mean, seriously, when the nurse told be I was going to the hospital 13 hours earlier than anticipated only the day before... I about lost it on her. If it's not good enough in my own eyes, it causes me to stress! I did what was expected, but it was not good enough in my opinion. My grade-level was there to help out my sub thank goodness. December was a month of bonding with my baby girl and healing my body from delivery. Josh was expecting to take 2-3 weeks off of work, but because HR had made a mistake (making an assumption he could take off the time without verifying it through FMLA) he only had off 1 week. Needless to the co-workers who we're going to pick up the extra time before Christmas were quite upset too. I am so thankful he was with me for that single week though. I know depending on the job, some guys don't get any time off. I was doing good until I decided to pop by the school for the Christmas party. It had nothing to do with the school... I was frustrated because things were not going as I would have assumed in my head. I should have stayed home because I was not physically or emotionally prepared to be gone for the time I was and to exhibit the energy needed. With all the swirling issues that came out, I lost it later that evening. I literally spent some time getting myself back to a point of being okay which some days was hard. I am doing better now. Josh and I are still bonding with our new bundle of joy and learning all the things needed. I'm grateful for moms who have secrets to share so we are not learning the hard way. As time gets closer to my return, I'm scared out of my mind! I'm afraid to return and see the state of my classroom. It'll probably be great because the sub is great and my grade level is fantastic but quite frankly I'm scared out of my mind. I'm afraid of all the work I will have to do. For those that know me, I like perfection when it comes to something as important as this. I will have to stop being so OCD about the order I do my work in and just do it when I get the opportunity. I will have to accept if things aren't perfect because here will be my daily schedule... Wake up, morning routine (get me ready, let baby girl eat then get her ready), drive to grandma's house (10-20 minutes depending on traffic), drive to school (30-45 minutes depending on traffic), work (meetings, teaching, copies, planning, lesson plans, grading, conferences, etc.), leave when I have enough accomplished (my aim will be to leave between 4 & 5 every day but if not enough is done then I must stay because thus is my job, it is important to me, and my students deserve the best), drive home and once there do my evening routine of spending time with family and eat dinner, prepare for tomorrow, let baby girl eat, get her to sleep and get myself to sleep. This does not include me having to get up in the middle of the night to feed or take care of baby girl in some other way. If she is sick, I can be looking at little to no sleep and still having to be perfect. So as you can see, I am scared out of my mind because I suck as stuff unless I can dedicate enough time which teaching requires my time because of how OCD I am. Hence the people raising my daughter minus 1-2 hours of awake time unless she is sick is family. I am happy they are there because I would find a way not to return to work if it was anyone else who was watching my 8 week old child. I'm not skilled enough to just spend 1 hour outside of the work hours given to get done what I must. Before maternity leave I spent 1 hour before school every day, 2-3 hours after school every day and 4-9 hours on Saturdays at school making sure everything was good enough in my eyes. My daughter I fear is not going to have a mother to take care of her unless I make some changes. Unless I change my habits and organization and whatever else quickly my daughter will not have her mommy until June. So, yes I am scared. I don't know how I can balance being a teacher, a wife, a mom, a homemaker, and an individual. I've already given up being being a homemaker, and I never really had me time (but that's by choice because I love spending time with my husband). As a mom, me time has changed. Being able to take a shower or sleep feels like me time. That left my husband and teaching... Now I'm adding a child into the mix... It scares me. I am scared! The few people I've talked to says I can do it, that I'll make it work. At what cost? How much time? How much dedication? The teachers I do know who only need 1 hour outside the school day 5 days a week with the occasional weekend for 1-2 hours are teachers who are crappy or teachers who have been teaching for years and have it to an art form. At what age will my daughter be when I have all that comes with teaching down to an art form? Will my daughter forgive me for the time not spent with her? Don't get me wrong... I made this choice. I made the choice to become a teacher because I love this job. I love teaching students all the knowledge that I can give. I love seeing them learn, I love the personal connections I make with students and their families. I love it and would not have it any other way. I can't wait to see what joys it continues to bring 10+ years down the road! I also chose my husband. I love him dearly. I chose him because he inspires me, he works hard, he loves with everything he has and he's kind. We chose to have a baby. Our girl is a gift from our Heavenly Father. We have been blessed with a child to raise. Sure, we could have waited for a better time... There are many reasons I could write as to why we should have waited, but we also have our reasons why we chose not to wait. I have to remember to have faith, to not doubt the decisions I have made. I never made the decision to be a homemaker... Quite frankly, I've always sucked at it! The decisions have been mine, some alone and some not, but I have to remember that with every decision made there was a reason and a purpose. To take this job as a teacher, I gave up the freedom and flexibility of part-time jobs to travel whenever I may, to not have a care in the world if I so chose, but I gained security and stability, to use the knowledge I earned, to share my passion. To have not had this baby would have given Josh and I freedom and flexibility to be married and do as we wish... Travel, dates on a whim, etc., but we have gained a love beyond compare, a love that will teach us lessons beyond our comprehension. All of these choices and more are beautiful and wonderful. Any way, I forgot what else I was going to write because I have been taking care of things for several hours. So I forget often about how blessed I am but I really am! I may be anxious and scared, but I have to have the faith that all will be well. So January has been full of good times and trying times.